Why the Should Have’s and Supposed To’s Are Killing Us

It ranges from the small, I should have washed up the dishes, I’m supposed to be keeping on top of the housework, to the medium, I should have gotten better exam results, I’m supposed to be clever to the monumental - I should have spoken to my friend more before they passed away, I’m supposed to be a good friend.

And it doesn’t stop there. I should have eaten better, I’m supposed to be on a diet. I should have spent less, I’m supposed to be saving. I should have applied for that job, I’m supposed to have a good career. Should have, supposed to, should have, supposed to. 

These ‘should have’s’ and ‘supposed to’s’ start almost from when we’re born. As a baby and child you are supposed to hit certain milestones at certain times. Commonly these are to do with health and so it’s understandable that not fulfilling your ‘should have’s’ and ‘supposed to’s’ are a cause of concern - they should be walking by now, they’re supposed to walking at that age.

But when you are younger, not fulfilling your ‘should have’s’ and ‘supposed to’s’ are met with care, kindness and as much help as humanly possible. Of course that’s largely to do with the fact that you are a child and thus do not have the capacity or means to sort yourself out. But, still it is strange how quickly that mindset changes once you reach a certain age. No longer are you someone to help. Now you become someone to feel bad for, to look down upon and maybe even to scorn - I can’t believe they still live with their parents, they should have moved out. You’re supposed to have your own house at that age.

In our modern Britain, there is a certain path to be followed. At school you should achieve good exam results in your GCSE’s/A-Levels and if not then you should at least pass your exams. Upon leaving school, you should have some sort of plan. You should go to college, university or partake in some kind of further training. If you’re having a gap year then you should be working or going travelling. Next it is time to find a job, preferably not any old job though. It should be a good job or at least a job where you earn enough not to be a burden upon the state. Ideally you should aim to have a career and climb the career ladder. 

Meanwhile, you should probably have found a partner, bought a house, got married and had kids. 

If you deviate from this path in any way, you will inevitably come across the ‘should have’s’ and ‘supposed to’s’ problem. What if on your gap year, you do nothing but drift aimlessly? What if you have a job but still can’t make ends meet? What if you have never passed an exam in your life?

It comes from other people, it comes from you or it comes from both, but it will inevitably come - you should have, you’re supposed to. And it will inevitably cause you stress, sleepless nights or both. I should have gone to uni, I’m supposed to have a degree. I should have been married by now, I’m supposed to have a relationship. Should have, supposed to, should have, supposed to….

The irony of all of this is that of course there are no ‘should have’s’ and ‘supposed to’s. Not really. We do all these things of our own accord, there is no gun pressed to our head but yet we still have these underlying feelings. Even when I’m at my happiest and even when I feel I’m doing or have done the right thing, I will still feel the ‘should have’s’ and ‘supposed to’s’ in the back of my mind. 

At this point, there is the possibility that there will be someone reading this and shaking their head - There’s nothing wrong with following this path or it’s really not that hard or even I’ve never once felt like I should have done something or I’m supposed to be doing something nor have I come across that.

To those people, I would stress firstly that I agree that there is absolutely nothing wrong with following that path - the problem comes from the pressure many feel to follow that path when really they would have been better off road from the start. If it’s not that hard or you have never experienced feeling this way then all I can say is lucky you.

Finally, if you didn’t like this post or think it’s just a load of rubbish then what can I say? I should have written it better, I’m supposed to be a writer.